- Day 2 : Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.
I had a hard time remembering that moment because it has become a practice already that whenever the feeling occurs, I should immediately dismiss the bad feeling. Just when I’m about to give up writing for the 2nd day challenge, I took a mental check of single friends I have, their own stories and how they are dealing with their current relationship status, as far as I know. Then I remember that one moment in my life. The moment when I promised myself that I’m done waiting and I’m moving on.
It happened almost more than 10 years ago, I attended a friend’s wedding. Weddings, for singles may be a dreadful event to attend especially if you don’t have a date. Or if you bring a partner, it can become a pressure when friends started to tease about ‘you’ll be next’ and your guy seems to have no plans yet. No proposal made to be exact. But I am such a courageous girl. I love to attend celebrations. Though I don’t normally attend the ceremony, because I want to skip the part that I get teary eyed every time the priest pronounced that the couple is now officially husband and wife. But this friend of mine has made sure that we will attend the wedding including the ceremony despite of my attempts of skipping it. I came in late, but I arrived just in time to see someone I never thought of seeing too soon, let us call him Mr. M.
Fast forward a few months ago to that day, I was sort of ‘friendly-dating’ Mr. M. Friendly dating could be the best term because we seem to hang out like ‘friends’ or barkada. I can honestly say, that I am truly loving his company. He’s cute, funny, smart and really, really nice to be with. Been seeing him for quite awhile and friends starts to question why. We just ignore the teasing, besides, we only grab burgers together once in awhile, we watch movie and cartoons together. On some days we would hang out for a couple of hours, just talking about anything or sometimes sitting quietly saying nothing. We sometimes accompany each other to errands and even job applications (now I find it weird why we do that). But we never talked about what we have or if we are going to move to the next level.
Though he never showed anything more than just ‘company’ and ‘friendship’, I chose to stop seeing other guys and minimized time spent with my other friends simply because I truly want to know him more and I felt somewhere in his sound actions, he’s doing the same thing too. We simply don’t want to rush things. I never questioned his actions. On my part, I never showed anything that will encourage him to question my own actions and feelings for him. Yes, I am a sucker of ‘slow burn’ relationships and I intend to do that to persons whom I learned to terribly like.
Until one day, he just didn’t show up. He skipped the routine of calling or paging me. I wanted to ask and page him (yes, pagers were the ‘in’ thing during that time). But I chose not to because I thought he was just busy with his new job. Later on I realized that I got too much pride to do it. Then one day a friend told me that he have seen him at the church with someone else. It just hurts to hear about it especially we never been to going to church which I believe during that time is something. But the stubborn side of me is determined not to show my feelings not even to the bearer of the ‘bad news’. I took it so lightly and convinced myself that there’s really nothing between us so I shouldn’t put up a drama. But in my heart I am hoping that it’s just a stage he’s going thru (you know men, they would like to fool around but will always go back to someone he is more serious about). I am hopeful that he will be back to seeing me again soon. As days turned to weeks, weeks to months, I don’t see and hear from him. It saddens me even more knowing that while I stay single, he maybe happier somewhere with someone else.
Going back to the ceremony,… so I arrived late. I checked where our friends in the church were seated. I’m glad I went with a friend because as soon as I recognized Mr. M from afar seating beside a girl and some of our friends with their own respective partners, I quickly I decided to skip a few more rows ahead from them. As I grabbed my friend’s hand, I just motioned to them that we will just see them at the reception later. Deep inside I regret taking a leave from work just to attend this wedding, and experience this encounter. Walking-out and making up an alibi came in my mind, I fear that we might be end up seating on the same table later. That could really tensed us both. But no, I don’t want that much drama. So I gather all the courage to stay, although deep inside me, I’m hating myself for not bringing a male date to the wedding, I hated that I ever attended the wedding. I hated it because I am single that very time that I believe I shouldn’t be.
When we arrived the reception, I didn’t see him anymore. Or maybe I was too good convincing myself that we’re not in the same room that I totally lose sight of him. I never attempt to approach him which may come as weird to our friends because they know we are close. But anyway, glad that he did not attempt to approach me either because I really don’t know how to react. I also realized that things really happen for a reason. If I didn’t come to the ceremony, I may not be able to see him. I may not be able to find out myself. So, I tried to enjoy the party, but it was the hardest thing to do when you see all your friends with their own partners then I realized that we are all in our marrying age, some were married already and sooner the rest would one by one settle down. That moment I am sad about the thought that we may not bond as much as we do like when we are all still single, things will totally become different. I was also sad because I know there’s no sense in waiting for Mr. M anymore. That would be totally a stupid thing to do.
Before that day ends, I am decided to be in a relationship again. I realized that it was stupid to wait for someone whom you are not sure if he want to be with you in the first place. Then I resumed dating a certain nice guy (let’s call him Mr. D, I might tell a story about him in the days to come) whom I know even before I met Mr. M thru a friend from work. I just just stopped seeing Mr. D, because I got more interested with the latter.
For the other single ladies (and men) out there reading this, don’t feel bad if there would be days that you feel that being single just suck. It’s but normal to feel that way. Just think of this : even married people or those in a relationship sometimes thinks that being tied-up with someone sucks as well. But at the end of the day, when someone chose to be happy there would be a long list of reasons to be. We can’t deny that having a partner, a child and a family is one of the ultimate happiness one can ever experience.
I also remember one friend about the same age as me ( I am by the way 38 already) once said that it is okay to cry at night if we are lonely and feeling alone. Even a vibrant, smart, pretty girl and a great source of inspiration to many because of her achievements, an almost perfect kind of girl a guy would want to marry and bring to his family can feel lonely and alone at times. That balances out the times that we are happy with just about anything that’s happening to us. Just trust the Lord that He has better plans for us. By the way, my friend just got married this year to a guy who she believes, God’s answers to her prayers.
So while we wait (oh no, I’m never tired of waiting) don’t forget that life must go on, we must achieve something in this life, at least be an inspiration to others, get busy with life – don’t stop learning and sharing. Let us celebrate life, single or not. And remember, whatever happens there’s a God who knows what’s best for us.
Coming up next is day 3 of the #TheSW30 blogging challenge, it’s about a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.