Fear even to the smartest and strongest person is one of the most normal feeling one could ever experience. It’s the thin line between being in one’s comfort zone and his/her life’s next adventure. Fear is sometimes the deciding point whether we keep going or pause for awhile or stay. Fear is inevitable but should be surpassed before it consumed you completely.
I have my own share of fears over the years, some of it I learned to deal with and eventually overcome. Some are still a work in progress, but so far, so good. It helps me in my toes, kept me me balanced and focused on what I am supposed to be doing at this point in my life while I wait for God’s gift to be delivered.
Let me share my top 5 fears I used to have being a single and how I dealt with them :
1. Fear that people would think something is wrong with me. I used to feel that others may think just because I am independent, tough, frank and strong-willed woman, I am driving away men in my life.
How I dealt with it : I finally accepted who I am. I may not perfect but totally not bad. What others perceived a bad characteristic of a woman can be something attractive to someone else. For as long as I don’t forget that men were created by God to be respected and loved, then I should be okay. Each man should be appreciated and understood, that’s men’s best definition of being loved. Of course I am fully aware of my bad traits and I am in the process of improving myself to become a better person each year of my life.
So to you, my dear ex who once told me during a break-up drama, that I am too smart and knows everything (in a sarcastic tone and insulting kind of way), you may succeed in hurting me at that point, but I looked at the brighter side of it, took it as a constructive criticism. Thanks for acknowledging the fact that I am smart, we both know now why we ended up apart. But definitely I still do not know everything, and never will be because that could be too freaky.
2. Fear that I would end up lonely and alone. With friends and family around, I believe that can’t be possible. But life has full of surprises, and I don’t want to come unprepared.
How I dealt with it : I get myself busy with opportunities and keep my options open to possibilities. I live my life to the fullest, in a way that I know and can, I made friends and eliminate not-so friends. I only need a few but with quality, you know. And above all, I will always remember that no matter happens, my family would be there for me always. Did I mentioned I already have one niece and three nephews I truly adore and loves me in return somehow.
3. Fear that I would be less valuable in the market if I turned 30, or worse 40 : When I turned 30 and I still feel and looked 20s. I’m turning 39 this month and I still get that ‘di halata’ (looks younger than my age) remarks from those who asked me about my age which I never lied about. I’ve gained a few pounds and Sexy was no longer my second nickname (not just because of Jinggoy, but because it doesn’t fit me well anymore). But I am still confident, but I don’t want to be too confident. So….
How I dealt with it : Ageing is something that we have no control of. Sad truth, most men are visually oriented so we must do our part as a woman, not only for them but for ourselves, first and foremost. I quit smoking (I’m on my 5th year already), I limit my drinking (my last experience on drinking has gone terribly wrong and I promised not to do that anymore), I started losing weight (from 110lbs to bloated to 145lbs, now I am 134lbs.) more to lose, I can do it I believe. I do moisturize my skin now when before I was a wash and wear kind, no lotions or anything. Now, I visit the derma clinic for my zits before it gets worse. I took my vitamins and supplements. I still have to work on my sleeping habits and other health matters. But I am getting there.
4. Fear that I would be too comfortable and content being alone that I would no longer need other people in my life. Again, that would be impossible. I have this habit of evaluating myself periodically. I am open to change and I accept opinions and criticisms.
Let me share you an incident when I realized that I should not be too comfortable because it hurts other people.
This happened to me twice or thrice already on different occasion and with different persons. The most recent was when I went to the mall with a guy friend from the office to get his laptop fixed in the service center. We went to check also other shops for gadgets and accessories.
So after hopping to several shops, I felt hungry and decided to went down to the fast food area to grab a bite. I was about to take the escalator when I realized I have to go back to second to the last shop I’ve been to. There I found my guy friend inside the shop, with his most accusing stare at me as I enter. Just before I could ever start with my alibi he faked an angry statement ‘hoy babae nakalimutan mo na may kasama ka ano? (hey, you totally forgot you have company do you?). The male salesmen attending to him seems to be at the edge of bursting into laughter as I tried to weave a lie. My friend was certain (and kept on nagging till the following day) that I did forget I am with him really. He even went on and on about being too used to being alone that I forget company. He’s right, maybe. So I did not contest anymore, I just chose to learn my lesson. Glad he was not a date or bf (again) though.
How I dealt with it : Of course I still go out on my own. I will do that for as long as I enjoy the company of myself. But this time, I tried to grab an office mate, a friend to simple errands I used to do alone. I phoned friends to ask for directions, for an opinion, or to simply call and talk to them as I do my shopping. I attend birthday celebrations (or at least remember to greet them) whenever I can. Guess with these, it will also help me get rid of my fear #2.
5. Fear of not able to have my own child. Let me admit that this made it to my BIGGEST fear. It is something that I totally have no control of. I fully understand that at my age (who has never given birth nor gotten pregnant) , it’ll be hard to conceive a child. And if I do, chances are it will be definitely difficult and risky.
How I dealt with it : Leave everything to Him. Prayers, prayers and prayers. Be ready for surprises.
Let me end this post with a quote I found somewhere online :
Fear is nothing more than an obstacle that stands in the way of progress. In overcoming our fears we can move forward stronger and wiser within ourselves.